I can think of few things worse than being locked in an evironment with someone you don't like. And if you have a quarrel with someone at Boom, there's no where to bring it that doesn't affect the group. The continuity of the show is more important than any individual skirmish ... and so, for reasons both political and conveinent, you don't allow your personal frustrations to boil over. Besides, you're stuck here. Deal with it. Of course, the lack of total honesty is also a compromise of principles. If you can't allow your anger out, then you have to keep up the political front at all times -- hang out with the person, endure their suggestions and tolerate their total selfishness constantly, without relent. Don't want Boom to suffer, don't want to force people to take sides, don't want to make everyone else's lives uncomfortable. Be a cog in the machine, don't break it down because you disagree with another gear.
But at what point does your lack of honesty become a danger to your own morals? At what point do you stand up and say, "I'm just going admit that I really don't like the person you are, that I haven't ever liked you and have been nice only because it's what's easiest for you and best for Boom." Is the long term goal of the theater at odds with a decision like this? How many months can you continue the deception until the admittance of it becomes a greater evil than the deception itself? How do you say to someone, "I can't be around you, you offend me" when you have to be around them all the time?
I can't help but believe that my problems at the theatre and with Holland in general are overreactions that stem from misplaced pain. I have had an open wound since I arrived, and the constant irritation makes me snap at things that don't deserve it. I can't help but think I'd be happier if I could avoid this problem. I can't hang out with people, because I don't -- make that can't -- hang out with one of our members, and the last thing I ever want to do is force them to choose who to be around. Besides, these people are the ones I *like* -- the last thing I want to do is hurt them. So I'm more antisocial than I want to be, and I feel I'm not getting a fair glimpse of how wonderful Boom really is. I wish this would go away. I don't know what to do.