After a totally mediocre show last night, I was informed that the first of my sketches has been cut. Called, "Not-Zis," it was a presentational piece, like a public-service-announcement, which illustrated the similarities between a Fascist regime and the current American political atmosphere. It wasn't too preachy. Maybe it was a little too silly to be intelligent, but ... who knows.
For the text of the sketch, please
HEATHER: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to talk to you for a moment. A lot of liberal press has been generating claims that the United States of 2005 is very similar to Germany’s Third Reich of 1933. Some people, like Europeans (and the French) say that Americans are Fascists.
MATT: And some intellectuals are even calling us (whispers) Nazis.
TARIK: As an American, I’d like say these allegations are unfair.
HEATHER: I mean, sure. Both Nazi Germany and America suffered terrorist attacks on government buildings which allowed a southern populist president to rewrite civil liberties laws to allow the government sweeping powers.
SUZI: But Adolf Hitler had a mustache.
SLIDE: Hitler w/ mustache.
Whereas George Bush does not have a mustache. These differences prove we are not fascists.
SLIDE: Bush w/o a mustache.
TIM: And true. Both leaders celebrate nationalism by encouraging the display of their flag on buildings and lapels.
But the American Flag has three colors.
SLIDE: American Flag
Red, White, and Black.
Whereas The Nazi flag,
SLIDE: Nazi Flag
is Red, White, and Blue. Blue and Black are different colors.
SLIDE: Image of the Colors Blue and Black.
JIM: And while Hitler invaded Poland, America invaded Iraq.
Poland and Iraq are not the same country.
SLIDE: (Poland) Text: Poland different shape than Iraq.
Iraq is in the middle east. Poland is somewhere else.
Also, Poland does not have the letter “Q” anywhere in its name.
SLIDE: (Poland) Text: Poland not spelled with Q.
MATT: And Germany held prisoners in “labor camps,” whereas when America takes away your right to lawyers and trials, we use “Detention Centers” in Guantanamo Bay.
Guantanamo Bay reminds me of Baywatch. Starring David Hasslehoff.
SLIDE: David Hasslehoff
TARIK: And Adolf Hitler spoke German.
SLIDE: German Dictionary.
Whereas George W. Bush can barely speak English.
SLIDE: George Bush (looking like a monkey) … Fade Out.
TIM: So. Americans. Next time someone calls you a Nazi, say: Nah-uh. You are.
HEATHER: Because Hitler helped Germany rise to Economic Power. But since George Bush was elected, our economy has gone to shit.
Now, of course, every sketch reads better with people in it. But I think there are some laughs in this sketch even on paper. And in a show that is supposed to be about opinions, I felt it had a place in the piece. Unfortunately, Pep believes that the sketch hits too many similar anti-American ideas as my darling, Conservative-Off. Conservative off is a character piece about an interrogation at Guantanamo. Not-Zis is an infomercial. Saying that they are similar is a little like saying that we can't have two sketches that take place in cars in Amsterdam. Which, by the way, we do have.
Still, I've got to pick my battles. And I'll film Not-Zis (say it quick) myself and post it on the web ... and then I own the damn thing. Assuming no one reads the sketch here and does just that.